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Robert Vetter

Scene: My Roommate Sees Me Naked

Setting: The living of a shared apartment between college students. It’s worth it to mention that they are both queer. They’re fishing in…

5 min readDec 21, 2021

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Scene: My Roommate Sees Me Naked

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Robert Vetter
in
Slackjaw

Sex Tips From Peasants Who Married Their Way Out Of Serfdom

“I became the wife of the local feudal lord after doing what I call ‘The Crown and Scepter.’ While gripping his loins, yank on his hair…

3 min readDec 5, 2021

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Sex Tips From Peasants Who Married Their Way Out Of Serfdom

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Robert Vetter
in
Slackjaw

Congratulations! You Have Been Selected To Die For Our True Crime Docuseries

Hello from all of us at Netflix. Allow us to be the first to congratulate you for being selected as the murder victim in our upcoming true…

3 min readApr 12, 2022

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Congratulations! You Have Been Selected To Die For Our True Crime Docuseries

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Robert Vetter

Love Potions and Kombucha

It’s mid-January and I’m on one of my many trips to the bodega near my apartment. The staff is familiar with me — they’ve seen me enter…

5 min readFeb 15, 2022

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Love Potions and Kombucha

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Robert Vetter

My Wife Just Left Me, Class. Here’s Your Math Worksheet

If you make $35,000 a year, an average teacher’s salary, and you have to pay monthly alimony payments of $2,500 and rent of $400. How much…

2 min readJan 3, 2022

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My Wife Just Left Me, Class. Here’s Your Math Worksheet

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Robert Vetter

Cancellation: 2021

Each year, we say goodbye to a number of celebrities. Not from death, but something arguably worse. Where death provides immediate release…

4 min readDec 31, 2021

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Cancellation: 2021

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Robert Vetter

The Ethics of Making an Instagram for Your Dog (and Using it for Your Own Pro

When I started my job at a dog daycare, I was introduced to an aspect of dog handling that I was totally unprepared for, and led to…

8 min readDec 14, 2021

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The Ethics of Making an Instagram for Your Dog (and Using it for Your Own Pro

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Robert Vetter

Did I Join a Startup… or Something Far More Sinister?

I’m writing to this column for some job advice. I’m not looking for a job, in fact I have one. I’m more trying to get a second opinion…

3 min readNov 23, 2021

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Did I Join a Startup… or Something Far More Sinister?

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Robert Vetter

Chow Down, Chow Hound

I’m going to open this with a letter to my younger self:

4 min readNov 9, 2021

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Chow Down, Chow Hound

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Robert Vetter

The Muppets Give Their Thoughts on the IATSE Strike

It’s been a few weeks since the International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees called for a strike for safer working conditions and…

4 min readNov 1, 2021

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The Muppets Give Their Thoughts on the IATSE Strike

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Robert Vetter

Robert Vetter

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Obnoxious. Writing seen in McSweeney’s, The Hard Times, Slackjaw, and more. Follow me on Substack: www.substack.com/robertvetter

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