Why the Looney Tunes Characters Would be Cancelled and How They Would React

The phenomenon of queerbaiting on the Internet is best encapsulated by heterosexual social media figures using “gay motifs” in their content (painting their nails, wearing skirts, being proximal to people of the same gender), in order to get more views on their content. Now, I don’t know why this is a strategy that people use to get attention because whenever I do those things I get called weird. Bugs Bunny is no stranger to using his feminine charms to take advantage of Elmer Fudd, despite his on-again off-again monogamous relationship with Lola Bunny. This weaponization of his homosexual qualities is what would get him cancelled on the Internet. Bugs would probably post a passive aggressive Instagram story saying “There are more important issues in the world right now…” and he would be right! I personally don’t have an issue with queerbaiting, but I’m also not prone to being led on by straight men.

Elmer Fudd is seldom seen without a gun in his hand and an animal running away from him in fear for their life. Frankly, it’s a great thing for poachers and animal fearmongers of all kinds that punishments for them in the Internet age is losing YouTube subscribers, prompting them to make an apology video. But Elmer Fudd has invested far too much into his lifestyle as a hunter. Too much of his wardrobe is wool red plaid and hunting suede for him to give up his hunting lifestyle. He would dig his heels into his stance with a press release misreading a Joan Rivers joke as a very serious joke: “You’re nobody if PETA doesn’t either love you or hate you.”

Tweety Bird serves a purpose in Granny’s house similar to that of a coal mine canary: the moment that bird stops singing, she knows that there’s a gas leak in her house that’ll take down her matured respiratory system unless she leaves her house before the Carbon Monoxide takes her. Sylvester the Cat’s repeated attempts to eat her service bird could be categorized as felony elder abuse, or at least warrant a series of tweets explaining how his behavior was wrong, how he’s working on himself, and links to donations for Meals on Wheels. He’s not a bad cat, just hungry.

Daffy Duck has an unapologetic quality to his character that gives foundation to the assumption that he would get into lots of fights on the Internet over his freedom of speech. He would use his Twitter account to provide his unvarnished opinions on things like mask mandates (it can’t fit over his beak!), federal marijuana restrictions (you know, when carrying it across state lines it gets a lot more nuanced), or if women should be able to vote (they shouldn’t!). Were he to get cancelled for his views, he would just dig himself further into a hole that could only be fixed with a forced Twitter suspension long enough for people to forget about how many derogatory terms for women he used that were so, so much worse than the b-word.

One would think that Pepe Le Pew would be cancelled for sexual harassment considering that most of his early cartoon appearances are a tapestry of dicey interactions with female animals that look like skunks. But considering the fact that he is a foul-smelling animal, he probably wouldn’t be able to get close enough to anyone to initiate any kind of coercive action. And he probably thinks himself to be too refined to catcall. Instead, he would double down on his stench, stepping into line with the recent brigade of celebrities against showering. In the company of Mila Kunis, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Dax Shepard, he would argue that his musk needs to be untouched by shampoo in order to work its full effect on female pheromone production. And besides, there aren’t many pet safe toiletry products.

Marvin the Martian would attract negative attention, probably in the form of Instagram infographics, about the fact that he is in possession of WMDs. In response, he would use them.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Obnoxious. Writer at The Hard Times