Masterclass Videos We Actually Need for Quarantine
Masterclass is a subscription based service that allows normal un-special people like me and you to learn from very interesting and special pros in their respective fields about their craft. You can learn everything: Gordon Ramsey teaches cooking, Natalie Portman teaches acting, RuPaul teaches… I don’t know, something that involves him saying the word “fierce” a lot. But the world is different now and these classes just aren’t practical anymore. Here are classes we need now, more than ever in these times.
Get the most of your government stimulus check: Martha Stewart teaches tax fraud
Don’t get me wrong, getting $1,200 for free is a great deal, but let’s be honest, that’s nowhere near enough money for all of the things we need to use it for. Demand your worth from the government by, well, just taking it. And Martha Stewart is here to help you do it! You might be wondering “Why Martha Stewart?” Well not many people might remember, but Martha Stewart actually went to jail for insider trading and tax evasion, and she’s still on TV! Through this class, you’ll learn tips and tricks to find the perfect balance of claiming false returns and evading the most payments to maximize your financial takeaway. She’ll even share her Martha Stewart Method for finding confidential sources of information about the stock market. Where else can you learn insider trading from such a seasoned pro? I know you can’t put a financial value on a person, but I sure as hell am worth more than $1,200! And in this class, we’re not only teaching tax fraud, we’re also teaching you how to get away with it and rebrand yourself so well, that nobody cares you did it in the first place! Just like Martha Stewart.
Anything is toilet paper: Gwyneth Paltrow teaches wellness at home
With toilet paper such a rare commodity now, self-care has taken on a different meaning. It’s no longer about yoga or cryogenic freezing or weird snails peels that somehow (?) help your skin. It’s about wiping our asses. Think about it, how are you supposed to be your best, happiest self knowing that you, for lack of better phrasing, have shit on your ass. But have no fear, the queen of wellness, the woman single handedly got white women everywhere to join essential oils “sales clubs” (pyramid schemes), Gwyenth Paltrow is here. The toilet paper problem is something she and her colleagues have been dealing with at the goop lab since the beginning of the pandemic. In this class, you’ll learn everything from toilet paper replacements like leftover fruit peels (keep it natural!) to makeshift bidets from empty plastic bottles. Let’s be honest, those empty milk jugs are just going to end up in a landfill if they don’t get reused. And if you don’t want to wipe with a banana peel or shoot water up your ass with an empty Dasani bottle you just drank from, Gwyneth has you covered as well! You can also learn how to best liquify all of your food so you can just avoid pooping it out until you can get your hands on toilet paper again!
Chris Hansen teaches ghosting
Let’s face it, when the world goes back to “business as usual” and we can start seeing people again, our biggest issue isn’t going to be trying to assimilate a remote workforce back to in-person workplaces or changing our policies to avoid another pandemic happening again in the future. It’s avoiding meeting up with all of the people we were flirting with online out of boredom. And this is where Chris Hansen of To Catch a Predator comes in! Yes, I know that show was mostly about catching pedophiles, but at its most basic, it was Chris Hansen teaching young children everywhere how to avoid meeting up with people they were talking to online. That’s literally the definition of ghosting. Internet dating is scary, and through this class, Chris Hansen will give you all the legal clauses you need to pull out to keep everyone you’ve been talking to on Tinder away from you once you can be within six feet of each other again. And you won’t even need to stage a police sting operation! From making excuses to not meet up like “my parents are home,” to filing restraining orders, Chris Hansen will teach you all the tips and tricks of getting Internet weirdos to leave you alone. And after this class, I guarantee you’ll be saying “Why don’t you take a seat right there?”
Dr. Anthony Fauci teaches treating STDs
With hospital beds and healthcare workers’ labor being as valuable as it is currently, it is so important that we don’t take up this space with our more minor problems. Especially not with something like HERPES, are you kidding? This course would teach everything from over the counter creams to keep pesky rashes at bay to what a *concerning* prostate feels like. And who better to teach all of this than the leading expert on infectious diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci? I mean, if the man can handle the coronavirus, of course he can handle chlamydia. Many people forget, but he actually started his work in this field. Don’t believe me? Well see if you remember his famous rhyme about mouth herpes; “Off the lip… it’s just a zit, but zit on mouth… trouble down south.”
