My Old Roommate is Still Logged into my Netflix Account. I Want Him Dead
I consider myself to be a very kind and generous person, but there comes a point when my niceties reach a critical mass and remind me that my naive sharing was just unrequited charity for moochers with no intention of paying me back. I’m referring to my old college roommate, who refuses to log out of my Netflix account.
There are only so many times a person can get kicked out of their Netflix account because their old college roommate wants to rewatch Big Mouth while presumably feeding the same Whip-Its habit from college that got him so fixated on adult animation in the first place. It has taken me three years to finish watching New Girl. I can’t take it anymore.
He can be identified by some defining characteristics:
- Beady eyes that he watches my Netflix shows with.
- Bad posture from being hunched over his computer all day watching TV
- Pale skin from only absorbing blue light, since all he does is sit in front of my Netflix account GOD I HATE HIM SO MUCH
I have recent photos. Ignore the eyes being scratched out. I get angry at the sight of his face.
I need someone to track him down and remove him from my streaming service accounts by force. Hoping to find someone that fits these criteria:
- Experienced in IP address tracking
- A background in repossession and/or bounty hunting. When he is found, I would appreciate it if restraint wasn’t used. Need someone from a line of work comfortable with that methodology
- Able to provide your own transportation. Pretty open, but a motorcycle is preferred for its intimidation factor. Class C driver’s license is also okay, though I’m not picky as long as you’re not on the No Fly List
- A gun
- Or a sword
- Experience in wilderness tracking. It’s possible that he might try to go off the grid if he realizes that he’s in danger. Please don’t let that be an obstacle, should it happen
Before he dies, PLEASE MAKE SURE HE IS LOGGED OUT OF MY NETFLIX ACCOUNT. There is a very small, delicate window to do this and if you mess any of them up, please understand that I will call in a tip to his grieving parents and make back the money I’m spending on hiring you. Money is no object, just the watching experience I pay for and am owed.
I am still working out a calling card. Tentatively, I ask that you draw the Netflix “N” in blood each time, but I am also open to workshopping this with applicants. Bring your best ideas and your sharpest knives!
